Not all abuse leaves bruises. Some of the most damaging relationships involve no physical violence at all. Instead, there is a slow tightening of control: a partner who checks your phone, questions every purchase, discourages you from seeing friends, decides what you wear or makes you feel that every disagreement is your fault. Over time, the world gets smaller, and it can be hard to explain, even to yourself, what is happening.
This pattern is often called coercive control, and it is increasingly recognised in Australian law and policy. For people experiencing it, particularly those with children, it can help to understand what coercive control means under the Family Law Act, because it can affect parenting arrangements and decisions about safety after separation.
If you are in danger, call 000. For confidential support, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.
What coercive control looks like
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour, rather than a single incident, used to dominate, intimidate or isolate a partner. It can be subtle at first and escalate gradually.
Common behaviours include monitoring someone’s movements, messages or social media; restricting access to money or controlling finances; isolating a person from friends, family or support networks; constant criticism, humiliation or put-downs; threats, including threats to harm themselves, children or pets; making rules about daily life and punishing perceived breaches; and controlling decisions about work, study, appearance or healthcare.
Individually, some of these behaviours might be dismissed as jealousy or stress. Together, they form a pattern that erodes a person’s independence and sense of self.
Why it is hard to recognise
Coercive control often develops slowly. Early behaviours may be framed as caring or protective: “I just worry about you” or “I only want what’s best for us.” Over time, the person experiencing control may begin to doubt their own perceptions.
Because there may be no physical injuries, friends and family may not notice. The person experiencing it may also feel ashamed, confused or afraid to speak up.
The impact
Living under coercive control can cause anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, isolation and a constant sense of walking on eggshells. It can affect work, finances, friendships and physical health.
Children can also be harmed, whether they witness controlling behaviour or are drawn into it, for example by being used to monitor or relay information.
Coercive control and the law
Australian family law defines family violence broadly. It includes violent, threatening or other behaviour that coerces or controls a family member or causes them to be fearful. Examples include financial abuse, isolation from family and friends, and emotional or psychological abuse.
Some states have also introduced or are introducing criminal offences specifically targeting coercive control. The details vary depending on where you live.
In family law matters, the court considers family violence when making decisions about children, including what arrangements are safe and in the child’s best interests.
Signs to watch for in your own relationship
Ask yourself some honest questions. Do you feel afraid of your partner’s reactions? Do you change your behaviour to avoid conflict? Have you lost contact with friends or family because of your partner? Do you have access to your own money? Do you feel you need permission to make everyday decisions?
If several of these feel familiar, it may be worth speaking to someone you trust or a support service.
Supporting someone else
If you suspect a friend or family member is experiencing coercive control, approach gently. Listen without judgement, believe what they tell you and avoid pressuring them to leave immediately. Leaving can be a particularly dangerous time.
Let them know support is available and that you are there for them. Help them connect with specialist services when they are ready.
Getting help
Specialist family violence services can help with safety planning, accommodation, counselling and legal support. Family lawyers can advise on protection orders, parenting arrangements and property matters, with safety as a priority.
Keeping records safely
For people experiencing coercive control, keeping a record of incidents can be helpful, particularly if they later seek protection orders or are involved in family law proceedings. Notes might include dates, what happened, any witnesses and how the behaviour affected them. Screenshots of messages, emails and financial records can also be important. Safety is essential, however. Records should be stored somewhere the controlling person cannot access, such as with a trusted friend, a secure email account or a support service. Specialist services can help with safe ways to keep this information.
You deserve to feel safe
Healthy relationships are built on respect, trust and freedom. If your relationship feels controlling, you are not overreacting, and you are not alone. Recognising the signs is an important first step towards safety and support.
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